I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
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YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Bike for sale