Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
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*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.