[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
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Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor