If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
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Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one