A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
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Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Money is the root of all wealth
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet