Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
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CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.