For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
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How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
english majors be like furthermore
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
uh oh
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted