I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
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[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please