Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
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The booster protects against what, now?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
crying
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.