When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
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A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers