But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
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If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Dune (2021)
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
me opening up to someone
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.