ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
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I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
No. YOU-buprofen.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies