me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
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INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.