If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
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First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
very niche meme I made
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.