How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
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My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻