Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
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Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women