[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
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Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
In space, no one can hear…
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…