God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
You Might Also Like
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
New mindset, who dis?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Poetry is my passion
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.