Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
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People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.