This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
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My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about