Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
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Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore