PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
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toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
constantly working on myself.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.