Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
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Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.