VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
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pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Seek kebab; not attention
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL