So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
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My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself