Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
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I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.