Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
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My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.