Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
guys I’m going home
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
This meeting could have been a cake
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”