Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
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I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.