[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
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Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.