*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
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Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.