Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
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Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Life with a cat in one tweet
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning