Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
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But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I didn’t come here to be called names
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Yup!
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.