IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
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Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
This probably isn’t good
Bros before Ohioes
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?