me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
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Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits