Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
You Might Also Like
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.