peeping toms
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My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over