McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
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I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.