Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
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Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
iPhone X
🤣🤣
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.