HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
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Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??