I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
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*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
This a good idea
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Lmbo
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt