*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
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Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.