Roses are red, you always mattered,
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Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.