If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
You Might Also Like
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]