I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
You Might Also Like
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
You are what you delete.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”