if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
You Might Also Like
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Feels like the fourth month in January
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?