Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
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me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
me hitting on a model
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
o shit
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
“The Perfect Relationship”
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…