Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
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Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.