Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
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Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
こいつ天才
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?