I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
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no one ever comes back
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it